I think I may say that this is a first time that I may not be writing a melancholic post after all. The best way to explain it is this way: compare Lana Del Rey's first album "Born to Die" then her next album "Lust for Life", this would be my current state as I am writing this blog post
Lately life has been treating me well and honestly I don't want to know what or why, I am currently enjoying the moment and that what matters the most. Mornings feel enjoyable, brewing my espresso shots are fun again and flavorful, fountain pen glides differently on my journals with a more exciting strokes than before, reading books back feels rewarding
This is coming from the guy who shaved his hair buzzcut style for 3 years straight, worked himself till burnout kicked him hard, got panic attacks due to overdosing caffeine on the daily, plus sacrificed his hobbies and fun projects to optimize time to do more. Then reached towards a position that burnout hits me back hard and forced to take a break, not because I want to but my body forced me to do so. After doing two surgeries in my left eye (I'm fine now as I am writing this and can see) that I had to rethink about lots of things in my life.
But there is one thing I can't deny at all that I am somewhat privileged about: I am able to start over again and again, like I am able to pick up where I left and move on in my life even if a good sum of time passes by. Certain things got postponed because at that time I didn't have the right experience to navigate it but got welcomed back as if nothing happened, other things got postponed because I wasn't ready at that time and required me to do other things before interacting with this particular thing otherwise I would have sabotaged it all together at that time but now I won't.
Lots of people regret things that happened in the past, mainly because they never done anything about it due to fear and things didn't work out the way they planned it out in the first place. I'm on the other hand don't think in that direction and would try to do the hardest thing first: accept the current reality I am in and conduct the hard conversation first. 99% of the time I reach somewhere much better than I have expected and that 1% that didn't work out would bring me clarity on why it won't work out that I would move on instantly, 8 years of daily journaling without skipping a day and can guarantee that I don't have any sense of regrets nor pain to hold all these years
After facing burnout and trying to get out of a rut, I went back to focus on the basics and pick myself up where I left off. After a year of not touching my espresso setup at home, I was afraid that the water I left in it would ruin the boiler to the point that it won't work anymore but fortunately it ran with full force without any issues. Bought modification kits for it and started experimenting with pulling espresso shots in various settings, I went back to being a kid who discovered legos for the first time and the amount of joy of pulling a proper espresso shot on the first try was unexplainable like Thor calling Mjölnir (his hammer) and seeing that he is worthy to this day.
Then everything else followed along along with trying out new things that I would dismiss off like reading fiction/literature books after solely reading non fiction all these years. I am up for experiencing new things nowadays regardless of what it is thus if you feel like being a part of this and be of the lucky few that get written in my journals then feel free to reach me out at hi@kalaaji.com :)
But back to the main topic and that is: I am able to get back on track which is a privilege on its own, others would have said that X wasn't for them or that Y is not enjoyable without giving it a proper chance back. We build assumptions and critics without giving the current thing its full right which with time makes us rigid and unable to experience new things in life nor see the world in different lens, this can be applied to people that we assume certain things based on the person's looks or current occupation but what if this person brings joy in your life in a way that you wouldn't expect it? What if this person aligns with you on certain things and help you see other things differently? How wonderful that would be?
Life is not about living solely but it is about living a life worth fighting for, we go through seasons in our lives but doesn't mean things have to stay the same way unless we decide to stay in that position thus that would be a conscious decision you have chosen for yourself. Either we get to experience life with all its glory from events and emotions or lock ourselves up with what we have and prevent any sense of emotions on ourselves to experience like living on autopilot as if we are robots and protecting ourselves from emotions that we weren't trained to live with
As I am writing this blog that I am feeling alive more than ever before, the same way Camus wrote "In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer."
I will be back slowly with writing blogs, record podcast episodes, and fully resume back my side company with all the other parts that matter in my life while living it fully